


An Island Of His Own Making

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [74]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Smoaking billionaires, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9189503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: Oliver broke up with Felicity and Tommy because it was the right thing to do, at least, that's what he keeps telling himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further.
> 
> It's hard to believe that one year ago today I posted my first installment of Infinite Love. The plan was to write three installments for Smoaking BIllionaires and then move on to some Olicity. I never imagined that a year later, I would've written 74 installments and about 430,000 words for this series. I didn't think anyone would read those first three fics and I would've been too terrified to post that first installment if I'd known how many readers I would gain. I am humbled by how supportive, kind, loyal, generous and funny my readers are. You have made me laugh. You have made me think. I've had conversations about things I never imagined I'd ever have conversations about. I have made friends all over the world - Brazil, Germany, France, Australia, England because I decided to explore the Smoaking Billionaires tag.
> 
> I want to thank all of you. Thank you for taking a chance and clicking on that first story. Thank you for continuing to click on 73 more. Thank you for reading. Thank you for rereading. Thank you for telling a friend, I know it's a threesome and Oliver's bi, but just try it - just read one. I've gotten most of my readers through recommendations. Thank you for every kudo, comment and bookmark. If I could hug each of you, I would. xoxo
> 
> If you keep reading, I'll keep writing.
> 
> I'm not telling this series in chronological order. Some readers have requested that I provide a chronological order for the fics in the series. There is no need to read them in chronological order, but in case you'd like to, the list is below. This installment is 30/74.  
> 1\. Beautiful Stranger (Part 28)  
> 2\. The Hack of the Golden Dragon (Part 36)  
> 3\. Girl Wednesday (Part 41)  
> 4\. This Time Last Year (Part 44)  
> 5\. The First Time (Part 1)  
> 6\. Aloe and Chamomile (Part 40)  
> 7\. The Italian Restaurant (Part 3)  
> 8\. Ground Rules (Part 43)  
> 9\. Do The Hustle (Part 21)  
> 10\. The Secret Ingredient (Part 65)  
> 11\. Wherever You Are, There I Am (Part 8)  
> 12\. Perfect (Part 16)  
> 13\. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (Part 49)  
> 14\. Practical Jokes and Other Misunderstandings (Part 14)  
> 15\. Cobble Hill (Part 4)  
> 16\. The Sunnybrook (Part 51)  
> 17\. House Warming (Part 15)  
> 18\. 30 (Part 30)  
> 19\. Hong Kong (Part 35)  
> 20\. Twenty Questions Over Brunch (Part 11)  
> 21\. Hildy (Part 5)  
> 22\. Burgers & Lies (Part 9)  
> 23\. You Say You Want A Revolution (Part 22)  
> 24\. Unexpected Gifts (Part 70)  
> 25\. Look Me In The Eye And Make Me Feel The Truth (Part 12)  
> 26\. Fight Night (Part 20)  
> 27\. Fear and Loathing (Part 42)  
> 28\. With The Band (Part 53)  
> 29\. The Scarecrow (Part 59)  
> 30\. An Island Of His Own Making (Part 74)  
> 31\. Into Thin Air (Part 17)  
> 32\. Haunted (Part 58)  
> 33\. It’s Just Like Falling (Part 27)  
> 34\. Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow? (Part 7)  
> 35\. Life With The Arrow (Part 23)  
> 36\. Up All Night (Part 6)  
> 37\. Welcome Home (Part 10)  
> 38\. Deadshot (Part 62)  
> 39\. Better Than Chocolate Chip Banana Pancakes (Part 24)  
> 40\. The Right To Remain Silent (Part 61)  
> 41\. Home Is Where You Are (Part 2)  
> 42\. Somebody Get A Hammer (Part 26)  
> 43\. Tush Push (Part 48)  
> 44\. Elves (Part 68)  
> 45\. Three (Part 13)  
> 46\. Life Lived In The Tabloids (Part 18)  
> 47\. Tokyo Calling (Part 25)  
> 48\. Something Blue (Part 39)  
> 49\. Prudence Chastity (Part 19)  
> 50\. Love Is Worth It In The End (Part 33)  
> 51\. The Mini (Part 38)  
> 52\. The Hall of Fame (Part 46)  
> 53\. A Name By Any Other (Part 47)  
> 54\. The Drop Out (Part 32)  
> 55\. Homework (Part 64)  
> 56\. Count Your Blessings (Part 71)  
> 57\. William (Part 29)  
> 58\. Hold On For One More Day (Part 31)  
> 59\. I Have No Gifts To Bring (Part 72)  
> 60\. Yours, Mine, Ours (Part 37)  
> 61\. Rules Are Made To Be Broken (Part 55)  
> 62\. Hope Is Believing In The Light When All You See Is Darkness (Part 52)  
> 63\. Open Up And Say Ah (Part 60)  
> 64\. Saturdays With The Green Arrow (Part 34)  
> 65\. I Would Not Trade What Might Have Been For What Is (Part 50)  
> 66\. Brothers (Part 45)  
> 67\. Hallelujah (Part 69)  
> 68\. The Green Arrow Did It (Part 73)  
> 69\. Strawberry Milkshake With A Side Of Why (Part 56)  
> 70\. All About The Jeans (Part 54)  
> 71\. A Bunny For Prue (Part 63)  
> 72\. Day 107 (Part 67)  
> 73\. Boys Who Kiss Boys Who Kiss Girls Who Kiss Boys Who Kiss Boys (Part 57)  
> 74\. Tummy Aches and Heart Aches (Part 66)
> 
> Welcome to any new readers who have stumbled into this universe. The more the merrier.
> 
> Arrow and its characters do not belong to me.

>

Artwork by Lademonessa

 

The warm humid air burned Oliver’s lungs as he tried to catch his breath. He stood on the bottom step of the brownstone and couldn’t bring his feet to take the final step to the sidewalk. He was walking away from the place he’d called home for eighteen months and the people who had been his home for two and a half years. He expected the door to fly open and for Felicity to run down the steps and beg him to come back inside so they could talk. He closed his eyes and pictured her standing in their kitchen, stunned by his betrayal. Oliver could see her eyes widen as she realized what had happened and her feet would suddenly be in motion crossing the kitchen, the foyer, the front door opening and her voice calling his name. Except, the front door didn’t open. Oliver could just as easily see Tommy taking Felicity’s hand and guiding her to her stool so he could finish making their dinner. Tommy would make her see the reality of the situation. Tommy would draw on his past experiences to tell Felicity why Oliver’s decision was inevitable and that they needed to move on without him. Tommy would clean up after him like he’d done so many times before.

Oliver found the strength to take the final step and to get onto his Ducati. As the motorcycle came alive beneath him, he didn’t have a destination in mind. He raced down the familiar streets of his neighborhood and headed for the open stretch of road that would carry him across the Cove Bridge and out to the ocean. Every mile he put between himself and Tommy and Felicity his heart clenched tighter in his chest. He was running, again, but this time, he had no idea where he was going.

 

Oliver easily dodged Roy’s blow and was able to get in close and knock the younger man flat onto his back. He offered his student his hand, “You’re fighting someone with a longer reach than you. You will never beat me with just hand to hand. You have to use your arsenal to extend your reach.” Oliver pulled Roy to his feet.

“I’m never going to beat you,” Roy panted, “no matter how long I make my reach.”

“If you believe you’re going to lose, you’ll lose every time. You have to believe that you’ll win,” Oliver set his feet and gestured for Roy to begin.

“You told me not to be cocky,” Roy spun his Eskrima stick and brought it towards Oliver’s injured side.

Oliver deflected the attack, “There’s a difference between being cocky and believing in yourself.”

Roy dropped to his knees and avoided a blow from Oliver. He pushed up on his arms and wrapped his legs around Oliver’s waist and flipped him. He grinned down at his mentor, “Like that?”

Oliver kicked his legs out and swept Roy’s out from beneath him, “Yeah, until you got cocky. Follow through with your attack until your adversary is secured or dead or you’ll end up the one dead.”

Roy groaned and rubbed the shoulder he came down on, “When are you going to go talk to them?”

“It’s none of your business,” Oliver huffed as he rose to his feet.

“You’re sleeping on my sofa and the person who keeps all of us alive hasn’t been here in two weeks.” Roy gingerly rose from the mat, “I’d say it’s definitely my business.”

“I’ll get a hotel room, if you don’t want me staying with you and Thea,” Oliver wiped himself down with a towel. “Felicity needed some space. She’ll be back soon.”

Roy snorted, “You’re an idiot. She’s never coming back.”

Oliver whirled around on his partner, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Roy smirked, “you’re an idiot. You had a good thing going and you blew it.”

“This is definitely none of your business,” Oliver jabbed a finger at Roy before walking away.

Roy followed him, “If I were Diggle, you’d listen to me.”

Oliver laughed as he woke Felicity’s system, “You aren’t Dig.”

“But I do know something about doing a terrible thing while under the influence of a drug,” Roy sat on the edge of Felicity’s desk.

“Roy,” Oliver sighed, “it’s not the same thing.”

“How isn’t it the same thing?” Roy folded his arms across his chest. “You told me that I wasn’t responsible for Gabe Vincent’s murder. Was that a lie?”

“No, of course not. You were under the influence of Mirakuru. You didn’t know what you were doing,” Oliver said adamantly.

“So, how is that different from Crane’s fear toxin? You didn’t kill them, Oliver. Yes, they were injured, but you weren’t in your right mind. You thought Felicity was Crane.”

“I knew Tommy was Tommy and I hurt him,” Oliver said trying to defend his choice to hold himself accountable for what had happened while he was hallucinating.

“I was there. I saw what happened. You were trying to get him out of Crane’s line of sight. You were protecting him,” Roy said gently. “Why are you punishing yourself?”

The fog he’d been surrounded by since he was injected by the toxin had finally lifted. He now had clarity of thought and understood the impact of his experiences with Crane. “I deserve to be punished,” Oliver responded, “and they deserve better than to be loved by me.”

Roy shook his head, “Isn’t that their choice? Shouldn’t Tommy and Felicity get to decide what they deserve? You love them and they love you and all three of you are miserable because you think you know best. I always knew that you were an arrogant son of a bitch, but I never thought that you were stupid.”

“Hey,” Oliver said angrily.

“What? You’re going to hit me again?” Roy challenged with a knowing glint in his eyes.

Oliver ran his hands over his face, “No – just, thanks. I’ll see you tonight.”

Roy grabbed his bag, “I really hope not. Go home, Oliver. Talk to them.”

 

“Damn,” Thea said sarcastically, “I was really hoping we had a burglar who made coffee.”

Oliver looked up from where he sat staring at his cup of coffee, “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

Thea leaned against the kitchen counter, “Ollie, what the hell are you doing here?” At his raised eyebrow, she continued, “When Roy got home last night he said he thought you were finally going to go home.”

“I don’t have a home,” Oliver responded. He didn’t care if it sounded like he was having a pity party.

“Bullshit,” Thea said angrily. “You have a home and the two people who love you beyond reason are there waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass.”

“Hey, you promised you’d never take sides,” he reminded her.

“Oh, Ollie, trust me when I tell you that I am on your side. You - are – an – id-i-ot,” she poured herself a cup of coffee.

Oliver sighed, “Thanks, Speedy. You always know what to say to make me feel better.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m trying to make you realize that you are the cause of your own suffering. You don’t have to feel like this. You can go home and apologize. Tell them that you were a fool and beg them to forgive you.”

“You don’t understand,” Oliver said petulantly. There was no way she could understand why he did what he did. He had no choice but to walk away after killing Crane. He couldn’t ever touch them again when his hands were soaked with blood. He’d been lying to himself when he believed he was anything but a cold-blooded murderer.

“Then make me understand.” She squeezed his forearm, “Explain to me why you are breaking both of my brothers’ hearts?”

“They’re hurting now, but they’ll get over it. They have each other and will eventually realize I did the best thing for them,” Oliver dumped out his untouched coffee.

“God, you’re a patronizing jackass.”

“Thea.”

“Don’t Thea me,” she said angrily. “I know that you did terrible at school but I always assumed it was all of the partying and trying to get into bed with every woman you met. I never actually believed that you were stupid. When are you going to learn that when you make decisions for other people it never goes well?”

“I’m dangerous,” he said quietly.

“If you really believe that, why are you sitting in my kitchen? Why haven’t you surrendered yourself to the police or gone back into exile?” She sat down next to him. “The doorman called to tell me there are paparazzi out front. I think they’re on to the fact that you’re not living in Cobble Hill anymore. You’ll need to parkour your butt out of here.”

He’d been doing his best dodging the press. He never kept a regular schedule, so it wasn’t unusual for the press to miss him coming and going from their home, but it was unusual for him not to be seen with Tommy and Felicity out to eat or in the park with Hildy. Oliver sighed, “They’re always good at smelling blood in the water.”

Thea ran her fingers through his hair and then down his cheek, “Have you gotten any sleep?”

“A little,” he lied.

She hummed her disbelief, “How about food? Have you eaten anything in the last day or two?”

“I have,” he answered honestly. He’d eaten a protein bar before he’d gone out on patrol the night before.

“Get some sleep and eat something, otherwise, I’m telling Dig to hide your bow and arrows,” Thea picked up her mug and headed back upstairs.

“Have you seen them?” he asked so softly he wasn’t sure she’d heard him.

“I haven’t seen Felicity, but Tommy’s my boss. I see him every day,” she responded.

“Is he  - is he all right?” he was desperate for any news of Tommy or Felicity. He missed them both like a phantom limb. He ached for them all the time.

“You know Tommy. He’s all smiles on the outside so that you don’t know that he’s breaking on the inside. He’s not working evenings. He goes home by six almost every night to have dinner ready for Felicity. He says that they’re both fine and adjusting. He’s lying. He’s not fine.”

A sob passed Oliver’s lips and he covered his mouth with his hand. Oliver couldn’t sleep for worry about Tommy and Felicity. He’d been particularly preoccupied with Tommy’s depression and was concerned with how he was managing his illness. He knew that their breakup couldn’t be helping, but Tommy had Felicity and she wouldn’t let him drown. It killed him that he couldn’t be there for the man he loved when he needed him most, but in the long run he had to believe that he was doing the right thing for Tommy. When Thea moved to approach, he lifted his hand and shook his head, “Sorry. I’m fine.”

She glanced at the clock, “He’s still training for the marathon. He’s been running early to beat the heat.” She kissed his temple, “I love you, Ollie. Try loving yourself.”

 

A device that required people to remain still and relaxed shouldn’t sound like rapid gunfire. Oliver took slow, even, deep breaths as he tried to remain still within the MRI tube. Even with earplugs, the sharp pinging of the machine had him fighting the urge to rub his fingers together. It felt like hours since Caitlin had inserted him into the tube, but he logically knew that it couldn’t have been that long.

“Okay, Oliver,” Caitlin’s voice sounded from a speaker near his head, “you’re all set.”

He breathed a sigh of relief as the table he lay on slid out of the tube. As soon as he cleared the device he was sitting up and hopping off the table. He looked at Caitlin through the glass partition and was unsurprised to see Barry watching him, “How long for the results?”

“Why don’t you two grab some lunch and I’ll take a look at your scans while you’re gone,” she smiled kindly. “Then I’m going to take a look and make sure that puncture wound is healing properly. I have a feeling you haven’t been resting per my orders.”

The last thing Oliver wanted to do was go out to eat with the speedster and listen to a lecture. Barry had been giving him worried looks since he arrived in Central City that morning. The only reason he’d agreed to come see Caitlin was because Dig had threatened to hog tie him and bring Oliver himself. He schooled his features to hide his reluctance, “Sure.”

“I picked up some takeout.” Barry gestured towards the corridor, “We can eat in my lab.”

Oliver silently followed Barry through the labyrinth of corridors that wound around STAR Labs.  Barry radiated anxiety and his brow was furrowed. The baby-faced scientist reminded Oliver of Felicity as he watched his face mirror the thoughts that were flashing through his head. Oliver always seemed to know what Felicity was thinking by her expressions and Barry was no different. As soon as they were inside Barry’s office he said, “Just say it.”

Barry’s folded his arms across his chest, “What are you doing, Ollie?”

“You talked to Felicity,” Oliver stated the obvious. It was painfully clear that his friend knew about the breakup.

Barry rolled his eyes, “Of course I talked to Felicity. We talk almost every day.”

“You of all people should understand,” Oliver folded his arms across his chest as he prepared for Barry’s onslaught.

“I understand that you overreacted to a stressful experience,” Barry opened the takeout bag and removed the containers of Thai food.

“I nearly killed Felicity and I could’ve seriously hurt Tommy. I don’t think that I’m overreacting. This life we lead, it’s dangerous and we shouldn’t bring that danger to the doorstep of the people that we love. I lost sight of that after I brought John and Felicity in. I was selfish and reckless. Guys like us don’t get a love story.”

Barry folded his arms across his chest, “God, Oliver, how can one man be so wrong about so many things?”

Oliver didn’t need some bright-eyed eternal optimist, who didn’t have a firm grasp on how unforgiving the world really was, to give him a lecture, “I was wrong to think that I could have my mission and a family. The Green Arrow belongs to Starling. There’s no room for anyone else.”

Barry pushed the food containers closer to his friend, “And what about Oliver Queen? Does Starling get to own his soul too?”

The Green Arrow and Oliver Queen couldn’t both exist. Oliver Queen died the night the Gambit sank. Someone else had washed up on the shores of Lian Yu. Someone who was broken and damaged. Tommy once told Oliver that his father was dead and just walked around with Malcolm’s face. Since killing Crane, Oliver had come to realize that he was walking around with the face of a dead man too. He’d forgotten one of Maseo’s most fundamental lessons, “I had a friend who once told me that a man cannot live by two names.”

“Oliver Queen is a man. The Green Arrow is a symbol. A powerful symbol, but the Green Arrow is nothing without the man beneath the hood. What does the Green Arrow become if Oliver Queen decides to completely withdraw from his life?” When Oliver remained silent, Barry continued, “I think that without the Oliver Queen who loves Felicity and Tommy, the Green Arrow will eventually become one of the monsters we hunt. We aren’t our masks. You need to remember that.”

Oliver suddenly felt exhausted, “Barry.”

“Listen, Ollie. I’m not going to pretend that I understand what you went through, but I do know how much you love Felicity and Tommy and how much they love you.” Barry handed Oliver a pair of chopsticks, “Don’t give up on Oliver Queen. I know that Felicity and Tommy haven’t.”

 

Oliver stood in the shadows of a stand of trees and watched Tommy as he stretched. He kept telling himself to walk over, but he couldn’t get his feet to move. Tommy was holding his knee to his chest and Oliver could remember the warmth of his skin beneath his hands as he helped him to stretch. He could see the playful teasing in Tommy’s eyes as he’d press his weight against him to help him lengthen his stretch. So many of their runs led them straight to their bed and gasps of shared pleasure. Mornings had become their time for slow leisurely love making and Oliver longed for the feel of Tommy’s lips against his and to see his face light up with a smile every time he told him that he loved him.

He had just found the strength to take a step forward when a man approached Tommy. Oliver recognized him as someone they’d spoken to whenever they saw him on the running trails. The man’s name was, Jack. He was younger than Felicity and had light brown hair and pale blue eyes. Jack was also gay and shamelessly flirted with Tommy, even when Oliver was around. They weren’t out, but they also didn’t hide that they were together when they were away from the cameras. Jack had given them knowing looks and Oliver assumed that Jack suspected that there was something between Oliver and Tommy that went beyond the best bros they pretended to be to the media. Oliver didn’t find Jack particularly attractive, but he could see how someone might. Tommy shielded his eyes from the sun as he responded to whatever Jack had said to him. Jack looked around and then Tommy shook his head. Jack pointed to his chest and Tommy shrugged. When Jack extended his hand, Tommy took it and allowed the younger man to pull him to his feet. Jack pulled Tommy in close as he helped him to rise, but Tommy immediately put some distance between them. Oliver’s stomach clenched and he feared he was going to be sick. Oliver had known jealousy before, but it wasn’t an emotion that he was proud of. He’d never doubted Tommy or Felicity’s fidelity when they were together and he’d never known more than a momentary pang as he watched someone flirt with them. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, they were all single. He watched as Tommy and Jack continued their conversation as they stretched. At one point, Jack’s hand brushed against Tommy’s bicep and then briefly landed on his pec. Tommy, once again, put space between himself and Jack in the guise of doing another stretch.

Tommy’s head suddenly popped up and he went completely still. He turned towards the copse of trees Oliver was standing in. Oliver had moved from the shadows as he watched Jack flirt with Tommy and there was no hiding his presence. He couldn’t pretend not to see Tommy, so he just remained still and stared. He saw hope and then pain flash across Tommy’s face before he lifted his hand in acknowledgment. Oliver smiled and held up his own hand in greeting. Jack tapped Tommy on the shoulder and began to jog along the trail. Tommy turned his head to Jack before looking back to Oliver. He tilted his head and seemed to be willing Oliver to take a step towards him. When Oliver remained motionless, Tommy’s shoulders deflated a little and he turned to follow Jack. Tommy sprinted until he caught up with Jack and then they fell into a relaxed pace. Oliver moved out of the trees and onto the path so he could watch Tommy for as long as possible. Tommy looked over his shoulder as he took a corner that would lead him into the trees and out of Oliver’s line of sight. Oliver raised his hand again, but this time Tommy didn’t respond. He turned away and followed Jack into the trees. Oliver stood staring at the spot Tommy disappeared for several minutes. Runners muttered about him obstructing the trail as they ran by him, but he didn’t care. He wanted to scream and cry in frustration. He hated himself for not being able to go after what he wanted.

After ten minutes, he decided against going on a run and headed back to the parking lot. On his way back to his car, he spotted Tommy’s. He decided to wait for him and sat on the concrete marker in the empty space next to Tommy’s SUV. Oliver lost track of time as he tried to figure out what he was going to say when Tommy found him sitting there. The sound of Tommy’s voice approaching made Oliver panic. He’d come up with nothing remotely coherent to say and he was suddenly out of time. When Tommy and Jack came around the back of the car, Oliver popped up nervously and caused the other two men to jump. He raised his hands in apology, “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Oliver,” Tommy said in disbelief.

“Hey,” he said wiping his hands on his shorts.

“Hi, Oliver,” Jack said. “Tommy said you weren’t coming today.”

“Jack,” Oliver acknowledged. “I was running late.”

Jack looked between the two men and seemed uncomfortable now that Oliver had arrived. He hooked his thumb over his shoulder, “Well, I’ve got to go. It was good seeing you, Tommy. Maybe we can run together again.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed without taking his eyes from Oliver.

When Jack went to speak again, Oliver glared at him, “See you later, Jack.”

“Yeah, bye,” Jack said as he scurried away.

“Really?” Tommy sounded annoyed as he removed his car key from his pocket. “Is that the only reason you stuck around? You’re jealous?”

“No,” Oliver stuttered. “I mean, I didn’t stick around because I’m jealous.”

“But, you are jealous?” Tommy asked with a bit of wonder.

Oliver shifted uncomfortably on his feet, “Yeah, I guess I am.”

Tommy moved to open his car door, “Well, you don’t have a right to get jealous. You’re the one who walked out.”

“Wait,” Oliver moved faster than Tommy and placed his hand on the top of the doorframe to keep it from opening, “I didn’t come here to fight.”

Tommy leaned his shoulder against the SUV’s driver’s side window, “Then why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you,” Oliver said gently. “I miss you.”

Tommy’s face crumpled and he turned away from Oliver and pressed his forehead to the glass, “Ollie, please. If you’re not coming home, don’t do this. It’s not fair.”

Oliver stepped closer to Tommy and his hand trailed along the brunette’s arm, “Please don’t cry.”

A gasping laugh bubbled out of Tommy before he began to cry harder.

Oliver grabbed Tommy’s hip and pulled him closer. He wrapped his arm around Tommy’s back and the hand that was on the doorframe landed on the top of Tommy’s head, “Ssshhh, don’t cry.”

“Don’t,” Tommy said reflexively, “someone might see.”

“I don’t care,” Oliver said even though he was both terrified of the possibility of being caught in a situation that couldn’t be easily explained and longing for someone to out them and free them both from their secret.

Tommy looked at him with disbelief, “God, I wish that was true, but if it was, you’d never have left.”

Oliver wiped a tear from Tommy’s cheek with a gentle caress, “I haven’t stopped loving you. I’ll never stop loving you.”

“No,” Tommy said angrily as he pushed away from the car and Oliver, “you don’t get to do this.” He furiously wiped at his eyes, “What do you want, Ollie?”

“I want to talk,” Oliver admitted.

“About being wrong and wanting to come home?” Tommy asked without being able to disguise the edge of hope in his voice.

“I want to know how you and Felicity are doing,” Oliver said.

Tommy snorted, “If you cared at all how we were doing, you never would’ve torn our hearts out.”

“That’s not fair,” Oliver bit back. “You know that I care.”

“Which makes understanding how you could walk out on us that much harder,” Tommy said angrily. “You promised me that you were done running.” His voice broke, “You promised.”

Oliver’s heart stopped at the look of anguish on Tommy’s face. He hated himself for being the reason for Tommy’s pain. He took a step closer, “I thought I was. I hoped I was.”

“That’s not good enough. You promised me that no matter how bad things got, you wouldn’t run off on me again,” Tommy’s voice had turned to ice.

“I laid my hands on both of you in anger. I laid my hands on you – on you. I’m no better than Malcolm,” he admitted the truth that was also amongst his greatest fears. He’d vowed never to touch Tommy in anger or to bring the violence that came so easily to him into their home. Felicity had never shown any fear towards him, even after she saw him kill, but he’d tried to keep that part hidden from Tommy. When Tommy had learned that he was the Hood and asked if Oliver had ever planned on telling him the truth, what he hadn’t told Tommy when he admitted that he never had any intention of telling him was that he didn’t want Tommy to know he was capable of that level of violence because he never wanted Tommy to be afraid of him the way he was afraid of his father.

Tommy scoffed, “You’re nothing like my father. Oliver, you could never be anything like him. You didn’t get pleasure from hurting me or Felicity.”

“You’re lying to yourself. I killed someone, Tommy. Not because I had to but because I wanted to,” Oliver didn’t care that tears were leaking from his eyes. “I’m more like Malcolm than either of us wants to admit.”

“How did your visit with Caitlin go?” Tommy asked putting some distance between himself and Oliver as he changed the subject. “Thea told me you went to Central City last week.”

Oliver ran his hands over his eyes, “She said that there doesn’t appear to be any permanent damage from the toxin. She compared my new scans against last year’s. She said there was even some improvement. The antidote might’ve actually helped to repair some of the damage from my time away.”

Tommy’s face softened, “That’s really good news. Better than any of us hoped for.”

“Yeah,” Oliver agreed, except, Caitlin’s news had made him feel worse.

“You don’t look like you think it’s good news. Were you hoping that you could hide behind being brain damaged?” Tommy asked snidely as he yanked the driver door open.

Of course, Tommy would instantly see through him. Oliver wanted to hold onto Caitlin’s original diagnosis of a damaged amygdala to support his decision to leave. Felicity believed in science and if she saw that his brain damage made him dangerous, she might forgive him for leaving and return to the team. He had no idea how he was going to get her to come back to the team with Caitlin’s latest findings. “I’m still dangerous,” he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Tommy or himself.

Tommy brushed his lips against Oliver’s and a look of overwhelming sadness washed over him, “You’re right. You’ve always been dangerous to me – just not in the way you think.”

“Tommy,” Oliver said as the man he still loved pulled his car door shut. He stepped back as Tommy backed out of his parking space. He found himself walking after the car and stood helplessly as Tommy drove off.

 

The worst part of being a CEO for Oliver was the meetings. He hated sitting still and having to focus on the minutia that his department heads were sharing. Without Felicity by his side, he no longer felt prepared for his meetings. She had a way of breaking down information so he could zero in on what was vital in meetings. He hadn’t felt so out of his depth as the head of the company since he’d first taken over. His staff meeting was heading into its third hour and it was taking all his willpower to not just growl at everyone. Instead of sitting in her normal seat by his side, Felicity had called in with an excuse about another meeting on the other side of town. It was strange to be sitting in the conference room without her sharing a knowing glance, a scribbled aside or a kick under the table. Despite being on the phone, she was as engaged as she normally was and she was asking her usual number of thoughtful and insightful questions but he felt completely disconnected from her.

There wasn’t a single moment in his day when he didn’t miss Felicity with every fiber of his being.  He missed her grumpy pout before her first cup of coffee. He missed her bright smiles and breathless babbles. He missed her texts and frequent phone calls throughout the day. He missed her voice in his ear as he patrolled the streets. He missed her by his side in bed at night as she prepared him for the following day. He missed the feel of her silky hair as he ran his fingers through it. He missed losing himself in her warmth and the whispered words they shared when their bodies were locked together. Being without her was complete torture, but having her within arm’s reach and being unable to touch her was an agony worse than any he’d ever experienced under Billy Wintergreen’s blade or the Bratva.

His last department head gave her update and he managed to ask a few questions he felt were relevant before he dismissed the group. “Felicity,” he said quickly before she could hang up, “I need to speak with you on something.”

“I have another meeting in a half hour and it will take me twenty-five to get across town in this traffic,” she said after a long pause.

Her words felt like a rebuke, “I promise, I only need a few minutes.”

“Fine,” she said tightly, “I’ll call your office line.”

Oliver stood up and practically ran to his office. His phone began to ring as soon as he stepped through his door. “Hi,” he said nervously.

“What do you want?” she asked brusquely.

“How are you?”

“Oliver,” she said sadly.

“Roy says you’re never coming back to the team,” he said quickly. “Is he right?”

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “It’s too painful for me to be around you right now.”

“The team needs you,” he said. He wanted to say, “I need you.”

“The team is doing fine,” she replied. “You don’t have any big cases right now. I’ve been monitoring the systems from home. Dig is doing fine running comm.”

“It’s not the same,” he said truthfully. Dig was efficient and precise, but it wasn’t the voice he wanted guiding him.

“I imagine it isn’t, but it’s the best I can do right now,” she said dispassionately. “I’m going to be late for my meeting.”

“Right,” Oliver said as he desperately tried to think of a reason to keep her on the phone, “I’ll let you go. Good luck with your meeting.”

“Thanks,” she said curtly. “I’ll let you know if the deal is worth pursuing.”

“Felicity, how’s Tommy?” he hated himself for asking, but he’d been having nightmares about him.

“Your little stunt in the park didn’t help. What were you thinking?” she asked angrily.

“That I miss him. I miss you too,” he said honestly.

“Oliver,” she started, but drifted into silence.

“Yes, Felicity,” he prompted.

The silence continued to stretch between them. He was about to ask her if she’d hung up when she said, “Be safe. Make smart decisions out there.”

“Okay,” he promised.

The phone line disconnected and it took him a few seconds to hang up the phone. He rose from his chair and stood before his windows overlooking the city. His eye was immediately drawn in the direction of Applied Science. The view that normally gave him comfort and filled him with a sense of purpose left him feeling hollow and empty. The city was busily going about her business and he felt isolated from everyone and everything. Felicity’s last words rung in his ears. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d made a smart decision.

 

Lyla put a serving platter on the table and sat on Oliver’s left. John began to carve the pot roast and Oliver waved him off when he went to put a slab of meat on his plate. John ignored him and placed the meat on his plate anyway, “I invited you to dinner to eat, not to watch us eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Oliver said with his hands folded in his lap. He hadn’t wanted to come to dinner, but John had been relentless and it was easier to come to the Diggle’s for a few hours than to listen to his partner nag him until he gave in.

“You look like hell, Oliver,” Lyla said pouring herself a glass of wine. “Have you slept at all? Clearly, you’re not eating.”

Oliver looked down at himself and could see what Lyla was referring to. His clothes were loose on him, making his weight loss evident. “I’ve never been a big sleeper.”

“You’re going to get yourself killed, soldier,” she said firmly. “Fatigue makes us sloppy and sloppy gets us killed.”

“I appreciate that you’re worried about me,” Oliver began.

“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about him,” she pointed her fork at John. “You’re supposed to have his back out there. You don’t look like you can take care of yourself, let alone my husband.”

Oliver sat back at her rebuke. He looked to John who was chewing on his dinner, “Is that how you feel? Like I don’t have your back?”

“I’m worried about you. Your reaction time is slow,” John’s hand flashed out and landed sharply on Oliver’s side.

“Ow,” Oliver yelped as the bruise along his ribs throbbed. “What’d you do that for?”

John leaned back in his seat, “That Triad enforcer should never have been able to land that hit on you last night. If Felicity hadn’t had Cisco upgrade your body armor, you’d be dead.”

“I’m fine,” Oliver said testily. John was right. He’d taken a bullet at almost point blank range the night before. He was lucky he walked away with only bruises.

“Stand up,” John instructed as he rose from the table.

“Johnny,” Lyla cautioned.

“If you can land a hit, I’ll drop it,” John said.

“I’m not gonna hit you,” Oliver said tiredly.

“I know you won’t, that’s kind of the point.” John pushed on the leg of Oliver’s chair with his foot, “Off your ass, Queen.”

Oliver folded his napkin and put it on the table. “I’m sorry, Lyla,” he apologized as he stood up with every intention of knocking his partner on his ass.

She sighed and waved dismissively as she returned to eating her dinner, “Try not to break anything.”

He moved away from the table and waited for John to make his move. When he realized that John wasn’t planning on throwing the first punch, Oliver went on the offensive. John easily dodged his first punch and Oliver had the thought that agreeing to this was not his smartest move. John only moved defensively and didn’t throw a single punch, until he did. The blow landed squarely on Oliver’s jaw and sent him straight to the floor.

Oliver took the hand John offered and allowed his friend to pull him to his feet. John steered Oliver to the couch and pointed at it, “I’m going to get you some ice.”

When John returned with an icepack, he sat on the coffee table and rested his elbow on his knees, “What are you doing, Oliver?”

Oliver placed the icepack on his jaw, “I don’t know.”

“You know that you’ve screwed up, right?” John asked knowingly.

Oliver nodded, unable to trust his voice from betraying him.

“What are you afraid of?” John’s voice was full of compassion as he studied his friend.

“Everything,” Oliver admitted. He knew he’d made a mistake walking out on Felicity and Tommy, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He couldn’t expect them to take him back after putting them through six weeks of hell. They begged him not to leave and to let them help him and instead of letting them, he betrayed their trust instead. He’d broken too many promises and didn’t deserve for them to forgive him. He didn’t think there was any way that Tommy would ever forgive him.

“You’re afraid that your love will be rejected,” John stated. “You’re afraid that you’re going to go home and they’re going to tell you to get out.”

“Of course I am,” Oliver said angrily. “Do you honestly think I can walk through my front door and say, I’m home, and everything will be forgiven?”

“No, man, I don’t. I think you’re going to have to work harder for this than you’ve ever worked before. You fucked up, Oliver. You took a good thing and threw it away because of fear.” John held up his hand when Oliver went to interrupt, “I know that you were under the influence of a fear toxin, but you still knew better. You knew that you had the love of two good people who would do anything for you and you walked away anyway. You made a choice. You killed Crane. You think being alone and miserable is your penance for this? You’re just not punishing yourself, you’re punishing Tommy and Felicity for loving you. They deserve a hell of a lot better than what you’ve given them the last few months and they sure as hell deserve you fighting for them and for yourself and not just giving up.”

“John,” Oliver said.

“If you want to do penance for what you did to Crane, do it as the Green Arrow, but you can’t do it if you sacrifice Oliver Queen. Starling needs the Green Arrow and Overwatch. The Green Arrow needs Oliver Queen and Oliver Queen needs Felicity Smoak and Tommy Merlyn.” John stood up, “Enough self-pity. Get your shit together. Get your head in the game. Go home and get your family back.”

“Or?”

“Roy and I are out.” John squeezed Oliver’s shoulder, “You’re my brother and I love you, but I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch you kill yourself.”

 

Oliver knelt by his mom’s grave and brushed the dirt from the base. Thea had fresh flowers placed on their mom’s grave every week all year round. He rearranged the roses that sat in a vase to the side of the grave and stuffed the wilting petals he’d removed into his pocket.  He then placed a smooth stone on the headstone. Leaving a stone was a tradition he’d learned from Felicity and quickly adopted  because he found it comforting. It had been months since he’d been last out to the cemetery, but he’d woken up with his mom on his mind and had decided it was past time for a visit.

“I miss you, mom,” he said with the palm of his hand over her name. “I really messed up this time and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do,” Oliver said as tears fell onto her grave.

“Oliver?” a familiar British voice asked.

Oliver stood up quickly and faced his step-father, “Walter. I didn’t realize you were in town.”

Walter held a large bouquet of pink roses. “I arrived last evening. I wanted to come see your mother. Today is our anniversary.” He laid the flowers on the grave, “She’s been on my mind a great deal, as of late.”

Oliver wiped his eyes, “I forgot what today was. I’ll give you your privacy.”

“Nonsense,” Walter placed his arm around Oliver’s shoulder. “I think your mother brought us together for a purpose. Clearly, she wanted us to talk.”

Oliver wanted to believe that his mom had set him into Walter’s path by somehow making both men think about her. “I wouldn’t put it past her,” he smiled weakly at his step-father.

“Let me take you to breakfast,” Walter offered.

“I’d like that,” Oliver said truthfully.

A half hour later they were sitting across from each other in a secluded corner of a quiet café. Oliver stared into his cup of coffee, unsure of where to begin.

“Your sister has told me some of what is going on,” Walter started. “She’s worried about you.”

Oliver laughed with a little bit of relief, “Of course she did.”

“She says that you left Tommy and Felicity, but she wouldn’t tell me why,” Walter said gently. “She did mention something about you being an idiot.”

“She tells it like she sees it,” Oliver said with a smile. “I am an idiot.”

“What happened?”

“I thought you’d be relieved that I ended my relationship. You didn’t really approve,” Oliver was surprised how much it hurt to think Walter didn’t approve.

“That’s not true, Oliver. Not understanding is different from disapproving. I admit that I don’t understand the arrangement the three of you have, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less or that I don’t want you to be happy. I’ve seen the three of you together, you seemed happy.”

“We were happy,” Oliver bit the inside of his cheek. The last thing he wanted to do was to cry in public.

“Tell me what happened,” Walter took a sip of his coffee.

“I panicked,” Oliver admitted. “I hurt them,” his voice cracked, “physically.”

“You were having a nightmare,” Walter said like it was the only explanation and not entirely unexpected.

“Something like that. I choked Felicity and I pushed Tommy,” he lost the battle with his tears. “I could’ve killed them.”

“You do know that your mother was never afraid of you? Even after what happened, her love for you never wavered.”

Oliver closed his eyes against the onslaught of the memory of choking his mom the first night he’d slept in his own room after five years. The vision of Slade’s sword driving through her chest replaced one terrible memory with another, “Maybe she should’ve been. Maybe she’d still be alive.”

“That’s not how love works, Oliver. Your mother loved you and your sister more than her own life. All she ever wanted for you was for you to be happy. After you attacked her, she was worried about you, not herself. She wanted to help you.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Oliver confessed. “I want to go home, but I don’t know how to fix what I broke or if it’s even possible.”

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I hadn’t left your mother. I’d been so angry with her for all the lies she told that I couldn’t see her side. Instead of allowing myself to be guided by my love for your mother, I allowed anger and fear to make my decisions. If I’d given us some time and space to cool down instead of walking out, I think we could’ve saved our marriage.” Walter’s eyes welled with tears, “I think we were working our way back together when she died, but I’ll never know now. All I can do is wonder and regret my choices. No one knows better than you that life can be unfair and far too short. If you want to be with them, fight for them. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them that you’re sorry. You’ve already made one bad decision for them, don’t compound it by making another. Put your faith in the love you share, not in your fear. I promise, Oliver, love is more powerful than fear.”

 

Oliver let himself into his darkened home. He whistled for Hildy, but she didn’t appear. He moved silently through the house and confirmed that no one was home. A glance at the clock let him know that it was early enough on a Saturday night that Felicity and Tommy could still be out. If they were out with Hildy, it limited the number of places they could be. Since he was living with Thea and Roy, he doubted that they were with them. The only other place he could think of was Curtis and Paul’s. He’d worked up the courage to talk to them and he was afraid if he left, he’d never find the courage again. He wanted to tell them that he was sorry. He wanted to ask for their forgiveness. He wanted to ask them for their help. He wanted to come home.

He sat in his chair at the kitchen table and decided to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Hearing from you is my favorite part of the day.
> 
> Part 2 will be posted on Saturday. Part 2 is from Felicity's POV and it is probably the smuttiest thing I've ever written.
> 
> I thought it would be fun for the 1 year anniversary of the series, if you included your top 3 or 5 installments of this series in your comments. I'm always fascinated by which installments you volunteer as your favorites. Some are the usual suspects, but some are quite surprising.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com/ A short Christmas drabble was posted for this universe today on tumblr.


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